C’est 9:50pm et je suis distresser (and fuck you if it’s not right). I’m in a parc somewhere in Lausanne because the people at Nathalie’s are criticizing my French. I used to speak it for fun but they’re making it a chore for me.

So far we went to Anouschka’s school and went to her Physics and ___ class after sitting in the cafeteria for 3 hours. Then we went to downtown Lausanne to wait for Nathalie to pick us up (she was ½ hour late). We went to Geneva and walked around for a long time. We saw the Swiss bike marathon and went to the top of the cathedral. C’est 54 meters high avec 153 steps. C’est over 800 years old!

Then we came back to Nathalie’s house and ate and that leads us to the present. I can’t stop thinking about Rachele [sic] but I can’t talk to her because I don’t know this fucking language! It makes me sad thinking about it. There isn’t a flaw in her so far, and I’m sick of everyone teasing me about the whole thing. Tonight I get to listen to them talk about me en Francais and I can’t stand it. I thought so highly of these people and this language but now it makes me cry just thinking about it. I haven’t felt this aching in my heart and stomach in a long time- probably before (my ex) Andrea Olsen even. But I might as well learn to deal with it because I have a long summer ahead of me and I won’t let this get in the way of a fantastigue [sic] time.

I realize now that I don’t know shit about the French language and problamon never will. The only thing that’s keeping me going est Rachelle [sic] because I’ll be damned if I pass up the opportunity- especially après last night. This town is so beautiful that every little piece of artwork just takes my breath away- even the jungle gym that I took some pictures of that everyone laughed at me for.

I’d love to bring (my old friend) Jay here because he’d appreciate it so much. I’m not saying that anyone else wouldn’t but Jay is just special to me. I want to tuck him under my wing and protect him from that world of shit and bring him here where there is no debt, no taxes, and here where there has never been a war. There’s a piece of Jay in us all, but most of us just don’t want to expose it.

I am so alone here right now and it’s hard to watch Cliff et Nuno hold their “partner” in their arms while I am yet again the third wheel on the bicycle to hell.  And that’s exactly what they put us through at some time or another. But who am I to say so after all. Right?

Sorry about all that- I just had to get it out, and who else is there to listen?

Didn’t think so.

Ciao pour maintenant [sic]- and that had better be fucking right.

10:30pm

I miss everyone back home.