Finally out of Naples! We decided that heading south would be our best bet since we have to hit Greece soon. So we come to Ostuni (well actually right outside of it) to a campground called LAMAFORGA in Carovigno. The train was crowded but we kissed a conductor’s ass so he gave us his 1^st class room. Neato!

Well, it’s 6:30pm here and it’s thundering and lightning out so I’ll be wet soon (What? No Wet). This place is fucking great, even though there’s not too much to observe. It has waterfalls! I’ll say it’s like a Waupaca waterslide/ campground without the Americans. We’re so well-known here since everyone’s Italian- we stick out like a sore thumb.

Rachel has been an extra special person over the past few days- I never thought I was missing something without a relationship but so far she has proven me wrong (knock on wood). She rubbed lotion on my back today and even though that may sound incredibly stupid it’s one of those things that just made me feel so good. I’ve always had to live independently so I never had the chance to give someone a piece of me and expose most of the feelings that I’ve had locked up all this time. And although I feel less independent now I still think that it’s a good thing for me- I’m one of those people who are bound to break down someday for trying to be so independent with this mind, but at the same time a fragile body that needs support.

I love Italy! It’s gorgeous everywhere  you go- well, since I’ve only stayed in 2 different places I guess I can’t assume it’s all good. But I can fucking pretend!

We got 2 the campground called S. Fortunata Campogaio in a town called Sorrento right outside of Naples when it was already dark so we had to set up the tent quietly. We went and looked at the water and immediately agreed that the next day (hier) we would take the day off until 4:00pm to relax and swim. It was fucking great! Just like bath water except saltier. Tara and Cliff went up around noon so I just layed [sic] with Rachel for hours on end not caring about anything that went on around me.

Afterwards we went to downtown Sorrento and walked around for a few hours before going back to the campground for some dinner. I had a ham & cheese omlette [sic] that tasted like French toast and since the waiters were dicks we didn’t leave them a tip.

Last night was probably the best night of my life. Romance seen only in the movies was suddenly staring me- and not as the geek this time. Rachel and I spent the night on the side of a cliff overlooking the whole sea, with “loveboats” all lit up passing by with music and lights blaring out of all sides. Above us we had a techno party going on with trippy lights shooting out over the cliff. We had a candlelight snack consisting of cantaloupe and Ice tea [sic]. How romantic! j/k. But we spent the night there falling asleep to the waves and a slight breeze and waking up to some boats, some fisherman, and a hawk gliding endlessly overhead. The only thing that sucks about camping is ants. But it’s worth it.

Today we’re going to Pompay [sic] to see a volcano and make our way to Palermo on the island tonight. This trip is so cool so far, and it’s just now that I’m starting to realize how great this trip has been. I’m 18 and can already say that I’ve been to 16 countries and 4 continents already. Before I came I knew nothing about the rest of the world- the real world, but now I have such an awesome experience in most of it. I know the cultures, the scenery, and even the architecture. Sort of like how you and always tell Florida by its palm trees. And now I know about the palm trees in Nice, France and Barcelona, Spain as well.

Things are changing all the time. Days and dates are lost in the adventure, and I probably wouldn’t even know the month if it wasn’t for this journal.

12:35am

I really don’t have much to write about, but I have enough time to build a fucking kite and fly it. We’re sitting in a bus/train station in Naples waiting for a 1:28am train to Brindisi [sic] instead of the island now. I just got yelled at for scratching Rachel’s back in the station because the police will give me a ticket. Fuck that!

Today we went to Pompeii for a few hours and it was so cool! The sights are getting better and better all the time with Gibralter [sic], Rome, and Pompeii being the most impressive so far. Italians are exactly the same as their stereotype- loud, obnoxious, cocky, egotistical, pussball piece of shit pissbags who like girls and horns. Not to mention taking other people’s possessions…LOVE the country hate the pricks.

{I’m so surprised I never mentioned the water fight we had in Pompeii. All four of us were running around trying to fill up our water bottles and chasing each other through the streets as the other tourists scrambled to avoid getting soaked. It couldn’t have lasted more than five minutes but it’s one of my fondest memories of the trip.}

I don’t know exactly how to label myself anymore. Nobody is true, because somebody else has done it already. Like if I love myself then I’m egotistical, but if I kill myself then I must have wanted to n be like Kurt {Cobain}. I never know how to complete myself because there’s always that part of me that is 100% confused on who I’m supposed to be. I will never be a “normal” in society because my preferences are not accented.

I have the gut feeling that I’m never going to see the age of 26. Don’t ask me why, because suicide has never been the thought. It’s too stupid. I’m just the piece of onion ring that always seems to find its way into the fries. Because nobody likes that. I love you all I hate myself, it’s just the way I’ve always felt You are right and I am wrong, so lie your ass off all day long.

(Written at the top of the page: “Aw fuck it- How often do you get to write “I’m in fucking Rome!”)

Well, it’s only 4:40pm right now so I don’t have too much to write about yet. But since I’m on the 2 our train ride outta here I want to pass the time by.

Last night was great- we ended up going to MacDonald’s for dinner and afterwards we went to check out some fountains. We did a traditional over-the-shoulder coin toss into the fountain and it’s supposed to mean that we will return to Rome together in the future, or some shit. We checked out another fountain afterwards and then we figured we had better hop on a bus if we wanted to make it back. We had just gotten into the train station when a woman outside started screaming like she was getting stabbed or raped or something. All the guards started to run to her and that’s when I freaked out. I was so afraid that we would be threatened or something that I made sure that Rachel was always in front of me of next to me so that I could see her at all times. We ended up getting on the last bus to the station, and only one bus was left, and it was on its way out. But we asked for a ride and he said sure. All the lights were off and we were being very quiet so the bus driver forgot about us.

Next thing we know we’re sitting in the main bus station waiting for the driver to get his car and personally give us a ride to the campsite. What a night! Our first full day together! It was the best day in Europe so far…

Today we saw the sisteen chapel [sic] and it was fucking amazing! Oh-that reminds me- I taught Rachel how to use proper accenting on “fucker.” Such as: fuck face, fucker, and fucking cool and she loves to say it so it’s very entertaining for me seeing as I use it all the time.

Well, I’ll write later- this train is too fucking annoying- the driver is on crack.

6:15pm

(I’m still on the fucking train) I never realized what consisted of a relationship until I got this chance. The opportunities are slim nowadays. I’ve never had the chance (okay, nerve) to walk down the street holding someone’s hand. I mean. Who’d of thought that I’d be kissing a girl in the Sistine chapel [sic]?!  Or who’d of thought I’d be kissing a girl?! Just another thing that has expanded my mind throughout  this trip. I never expected to feel so independent but when you’re on your own with all amateurs we all learn to open our minds to some things and close our minds to others. I can no longer rely on a “beaner” {which is slang for “bean burrito at Taco Bell} for pleasing a whole days worth of appetite, or asking someone something because chances are they won’t understand me anyways. Nor can I rely on the car for transportation, parents for money or advice, a cozy warm bed at night. I’m just happy to wake up in the morning and find my body scabie-free! But hey, the grass is always greener on the other side.  No, let me change that. I love it here. Let the grass be greener over there- at last I don’t have to mow it.

Hey there care bear! Today has been a little too fun for me to handle. Well, I think I should fill in last night. Rachel and I got to talk about a bunch of different things, and it felt so good to talk to her finally. Tara told her about the window story and I almost shit when she said that she knew that already, and she thought it actually happened. Tara thought it was the funniest thing she ever heard, but I didn’t.

Today we were supposed to leave for the Vatican by 10:30am but Tara and Cliff ended up “talking” again so I told Rachel to get used to it, because it happens a lot.

Blah, blah, blah, we ended up going by ourselves and it feels so good to just laugh and be myself with someone that actually feels the same way. We saw the church and cruised over to see the coliseum again, and it was so cool. You actually feel like you’re somewhere important when you look around and see ruins everywhere. We bought some fruit afterward and now we’re just relaxing in a park for a while before we get some grub. I love this city, and I’m so glad that I can be here with someone that I have so many feelings for- I don’t get to feel this way too often.

I never thought of life as actually being rewarding, but this is probably the closest I’ll ever be to my heaven, so I better enjoy it. Love comes in many different shapes and colors, and this one is peachish and shaped like an hourglass.

Well what can I say? I’m in Rome! It seems like weeks since I have written in this notebook, but I’ll fill you in.

Last night we ate a good supper, and “mom” was packing the house into boxes for the big moving day. She gave us each some good-luck coins so that was cool. We left last night at around 9:10pm and it felt so good to hold Rachel again. I’d just hold her forever if I could. Well, we were woken up at around 6am by the police that they were asking if we all had our money. That’s when Rachel noticed that all her money was gone. We kind of freaked out, but they said that they had caught the guy and we had to go to the police station in Rome in 2 hours. We sort of slept in those 2 hours but I couldn’t sleep because I felt so bad for Rachel. I just held onto her to comfort her a little more. It was one of those times where I just want to pick her up and run far away from everything in this shit world.

We ended up retrieving most of the money and so we left to get this campsite. I’m fucking camping! So far we just walked around the main downtown and saw some ruins, which is by far the coolest thing to see on this trip! I love the way I can hold onto Rachel because she shows me that she doesn’t mind by holding me as well.

We got to go swimming today also! Cool! It’s been 8 days since I’ve smoked a full cigarette. God do I want one, though! I just hope that Rachel doesn’t get sick of me on this trip because I know how annoying I can get. But I guess I’m just hoping that she likes to do the same thing, because I love it. It makes me feel closer to human again.

Oh yeah- I almost forgot (well, I did) today Rachelle [sic] asked me how you would say “mouille” en Anglais and as Tara and I told her “wet” she mistook it for “what” and kept on repeating it. It took a while before she caught on and with a red face said “oh wet!” It was great! Now I tease her all the time for it.

(Exchange rate= $1.00 to 1,500 lira)

Wow! I am so fucking tired! It’s 12:45pm now and I’m just sitting at Anouschka’s house just relaxing to some coffee and Screeching Weasel. Tara, me and Rachel sat up talking until 5:00am this morning. She can talk very good English so now I feel stupid trying to speak French, even though she says she likes my accent. But I’m so happy to finally talk to her to know what she thinks about and it makes me even happier because I like what I hear. We have so much in common that I never thought we would- I think the only difference in us is the one thing that hurts the most- Language.

But I have a whole month to get to know her as much as I can. I can’t believe that she is actually coming along with us! That’s so fucking cool! Her and Francois are still planning in hitting the states next summer so I’ll definitely be looking forward to yet another summer of what seems to be one of the last summers of my life.

{“She can talk very good English.” I really hope I was being sarcastic. Hilarious!}

Okay- a recap of my dream piece: I was waiting to get into a hostel with all these girls when all of a sudden a guy answered the door and it was Lex Luther from Superman IV(?) But he said it costed [sic] 7500 feet ($75.00) so I said “maybe if you lick the underside of my balls” and walked away. Just then I saw Geoff Witt {a classmate who I never talked to and who graduated a year ahead of me} walking up and he said “hey Doule” and gave me a high five. As I kept on walking I heard Ryan Brodsky {a friend from high school} say to him “did you see all the girls by Doule” and Geoff said “No way, Kelly Doule” and Ryan said “yeah- he gets all the chicks chasing after him.” And that’s all I can remember.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?! A little piece of my ego that I still have to destroy.

O.K… About the rest of yesterday:

We sat at the train station in Bobadia [sic] for the longest 7 hours of my life, which consisted of no food (well, a piece of bread), a little warm water, 48 degrees Celsius heat, two hours of card playing (“Hearts”) and no sleep since the rent-a–pig kept waking me up and bitching in Spanish. I didn’t understand him so I went back to sleep. He didn’t like it. We finally got on the train at 8:00pm and were seated with an Italian and a German both who spoke a little English. Well, to get right to the moral of this story we smoked three joints worth of hashish and the Italian took me down to the bar to drink 4 beers and some dry gin. He started arguing with the bartender for not giving him more beer so I left and went to bed, but three more Spaniards came into our room at around 3:00am so we were neck to neck in a little fucking room while nut case “crazy horse” was bitching & running up and down the halls. No sleep.

So tonight we got couchettes {sleeper cars} to Geneva (rapido). Well, today we hung out on the beach in Barcelona again and got kicked off a train about halfway through this entry for not having a reservation, so I’ll just play some cards!

Now it’s 11:00pm and I’m laying [sic] on the most comfortable beds in the world- on a train at least! It’s the best thought to know that when I wake up I’ll be with Rachel for a full month! Her mom will be happy to know that I quit smoking and so will she maybe. I’m going to bed right now so I don’t have to wait for it anymore. The time is here! Bonne nuit!

(This was just a random excerpt written on the page between July 22nd and July 24th . I’m not sure of the exact date it was conceived)

Search far and wide

for somewhere to hide

But leave your tracks

within the tide

For when they come

to burn your mind

They’ll find instead

a waste of time

Dead like the wind

devoured by waves

The prints are gone

without a trace…

Oopla! I left my bag at the station for a few days so we wouldn’t have to haul it around! Oh well- I got a 4-hour train ride for now so let’s begin.

On Thursday (We got into Algeciras Wednesday night and stayed at a comfortable hostel, no windowsill) we got on the ferry to Africa at around 4:30pm and arrived at about 6:00pm. The cruise was really cool since it was my first time on a big boat. They had cigarette and liquor store and a casino in it!

But anyways we to Africa and walked around for 3 and a half hours before we even found a place to stay. The whole town reeked of piss and shit; I walked behind Tara the whole time because I didn’t trust any of the guys there, the people sucked and everything was dirty and uphill. We planned on staying until today, but we left after 18 hours. The hostile was a dump so we got drunk and threw shit out the window on the gypsies and “gobbed” onto car windshields. I had one cigarette that night and haven’t touched one since.

Yesterday morning we went back to Algeciras and hopped right onto the bus in Gibralter [sic]. We took a trolley to the top and started walking around. We went through all kinds of trails and stone cells that used to hold prisoners. But after about an hour of walking (5:45pm) we got to the main part of the rock- an underground labyrinth of weird looking rock formations everywhere. It was once said to be bottomless, and the link to Africa- possibly how the first apes arrived in Spain.

There is an auditorium made where concerts are held. I will be there someday.

Well, by this time we were hungry so we made our way back down. We found the apes’ hangout spot and they found our bag of food. So after watching them for a while we left in search of food. I wanted something cheap so we chose Pizza Hut.

Bad idea!

I had a personal pan pizza, a bowl of soup, and a large coke for around $19.00! At least they spoke English, since it was Great Britain! Well, we hit three countries in one day! Not bad!

We came back to Algeciras last night and stayed at the same hostel, but this time I had to sleep in my own room. No problem- I entertain myself.

Well, it’s almost 1:00pm here and we’ll be switching trains until we arrive in Lausanne Monday afternoon so I’m gonna sleep! I only had one cigarette in the past 3 days now!

I’m so fucking tired! I got less than 4 hours of sleep on the train last might due to crazy fun!
Yesterday morning we went to the zoo and saw the “special” white gorilla named Snowflake. Just a dumb fucking animal to me. We saw a dolphin show and all that good stuff, but we left after 2  and a half hours because of hungryness. {I cringe writing some of this because I have no idea why I ever thought “hungryness” was an actual word. Also, when I wrote about the Albino gorilla I thought “Oh, how awesome!” and then the next words I saw were “Just a dumb animal to me” and I’m upset for myself for thinking that way.}

After Burger King we saw some big church thing and made our way back to the station. Our train left at 6:00pm and we hated the people in our compartment so we migrated over to the next one where a 23 year old named Mike had just gotten done with the Peace Corps in Romania for 2 years and wanted to hit Portugal before he went home to Michigan again. But somehow all these Americans weaseled their way into our “new” compartment with it now being me, Mike, Zack (Canadian), 2 guys from Germany, a girl from Norway, and another L.A. guy. Oh yeah, and some fat old Spanish guy who spoke no English.

At around 12:00am someone pulled out some hashish and rolled ‘er up. Yeah! 20 minutes later we had another one going and by that time we just talked about the weirdest things; past experiences, drugs, swearing at people in front of their face and watching then smile. We talked about everything until about 4:00am and then went to bed, thus taking up all the room so that the old guy had to stay awake all night outside the room.

Today we got into Seville at around 8:00am and left with Mike to go hit the town. We saw “The Cathedral of Seville” which is the biggest in the world, and also where Cristobal Colon (Christopher Columbus) is buried. Me and Mike lit up in it! Fuck that jazz! We walked around in the record-breaking 45 degree weather. Ouch! Now we’re on the train to Algeciras for going to Gibraltar and Morocco, Africa tomorrow. Whew. Only 4 more days! It was cool outside the train last night because the moon was not only orange but at the same level as me. So cool.

I don’t know what else to say, so I won’t.

It’s fucking hot here! Not really, but I just wanted to get your attention. We finally got here in Barcelona, Spain at around 10:30am. We found a nice hostel for $20.00 a night but that’s okay; at least it has nice bathrooms and hot water for our tea. The actual town is quite amazing, including the topless beaches which are quite addicting. A man came up to me a asked me for a cigarette this afternoon, and so I gave him one. He demanded that I let him shine my boots so asked him how much. He just shook his head and muttered something so I figured it was free. After he was done (10 minutes) he pulled out a wallet and price guide, which came to 1400 pesetas ($12.00) and I gave him a little over 500 ($4.50) and took off, since he never told me. Stupid old fucker.

We’re now planning on arriving in Switzerland next Monday so it better not change considering we were supposed to be back on Saturday. I say fuck Spain, but the majority rules. Tara and I were talking about how Rachel didn’t plan on traveling with us at all before we came. She thought that since we were older and Anouschka’s friends that we wouldn’t want to talk to her, so instead she bought a bike. Well, 4 months later she decides that we’re cool people and gets a job to travel with us. Meantime, Anouschka decides that her job is more important than traveling so she drops out. Now Rachel, along with Anouschka’s friends Nathalie et Francois plan a month long trip to the states for next summer which now include both me et Tara, the original “outcasts” to Rachel. The plan will probably fall through but just hearing Rachel talk about me makes me happy. I can’t wait to spend a whole month with her bu my side every waking hour in only 1 week! Woo Hoo! Meanwhile, back in the states, a record-breaking heat wave covers the entire country killing over 100 people in just this month alone. Averages of over 100 degrees every day this month, while we complain about the 80 degree weather here (32 degrees Celsius).

Tomorrow night we leave for Seville, which hit 100 degrees today. That’s okay though- I get to hold Rachel for a whole month! I don’t care how fucking hot it is- I’ll make it just like a “movie romance” since it might be the last time I’m with her. It won’t be my choice, though; I’ll wait forever for her.

Well, it’s almost 9:30pm, and I’m gonna catch some Z’s for the zoo tomorrow at 9:00am. I’m cutting down to $15.00 a day because I know that once I’m traveling with Rachel I’m gonna buy her everything in sight.

“You know how hard it is for me to shake the disease that takes a hold of my tongue in situations like these.” “Understand me.”  {These are lyrics from ‘Shake the Disease’ by Depeche Mode}

I’m sick of starting all of these entries off with “Well” so I’m not going to this time. It’s 11:35pm and yet again I’m on a train. We’re on our way to Barcelona, Spain, but not expecting much sleep tonight seeing as the conductor is on heroin.

We spent the day in Nice/ Monaco (Monte Carlo) today. We got to swim in the Mediterranean Sea and catch some rays. Monaco was pretty cool, and by far the most technologically advanced. That’s a fuckin’ big word for me! Something but me while I was swimming so I freaked out a little over that, but a 20 piece Chicken McNugget bucket got me mine off of it.

Now we tour Spain for 6 days and hopefully check out Morocco, Africa for a day. Then I get to see my woman again. Actually, change that to Rachel gets to see her man again. She owns me more than vice-versa. I’m so excited!

I was checking out the scenery from the train window with Cliff before and as I was looking as the Big Dipper it made me realize how small this world really is. You can see the Big Dipper no matter where you are. That’s so cool!

Before we left we fed a homeless guy some of our bread and cheese from today so that made e feel really good. I gave him a smoke afterwards and spoke the best French that I could, since he only knew French and Spanish. Oh yeah, and some cake too.

Well, I gotta try to get some sleep even if crackhead is driving all whacked. Later!

Well, well, well. C’est 11:10pm and I finally got to see Rachel. I’m on a train to Nice, France so we’ll arrive at around 8:00am tomorrow. We got in at Anouschka’s around 4:30pm yesterday but didn’t get to see Rachel until 6:00pm. We ended up sitting around for a while and eating a shitload of lasagna. Nousch’s prick friends (Nuno and Shaquille) ended up coming over with Nathalie and at about 12:00am we (including Rachel) went to a dance club for free and it was really decked out. I had some beer, Malibu, Rum and whiskey throughout the night but didn’t have enough to catch a buzz. But it was so cool how Rachel grabbed me out onto the dance floor a few times and we dirty dance and promenaded around. There was only about 15 people there altogether but 2 people had video cameras so it was cool. It was called “The Philadelphia.”

I went outside for some fresh air around 3:00am and Rachel was sitting out there so I went and sat by her. We talked about limited things and I told her I didn’t want to go back to the states, but I did miss my friends and family (in French, of course). And she said “reste” which means stay. I took her hand and we finally got to “read.” We left at around 3:30am and went back to Anouschka’s only to sit in the living room with everyone and watch Nuno and prickface dance in their underwear and shove the cat down their boxers. Yikes. Too much Rum (not the raunchy band).

Everyone went to bed upstairs so I brought Rachel the books from Euro Disney and she was all smiles. She somehow left an impression like she really cared about me now. I don’t know if it was the way she smiled or the way she held onto me even tighter, but a good feeling was in the air. I told her that I wanted to hold her forever and for last night that’s exactly what we did. She fell asleep in my arms while I held her with all the meaning that I could.

She finally woke up at around 5:30am and I kissed her goodnight, and slept until noon. I went downstairs and ate a muffin but the “assholes” made me feel stooped [sic] again so I went and listened to music.

We ended up going downtown with Rachel and her mom they could drop me off at the guitar shop so I could finally play after 6 weeks of waiting. I only played for an hour but it felt great. We got back “home” and me, Tara, Cliff, Francois, and “mom” sat down to talk about Rachel going to Italy, Greece, et Turkey with us.

SHE IS COMING! And so am I!

She was so happy, and that made me feel good. Her mom said to watch out for the Turkish men and to stab them if they even look at Rachel. Gladly! She commented on “I’d rather her come home with a baby from Kelly” which made me feel stupid but she was kidding. She even told Tara to make sure that if Rachel comes home with a baby, to make sure that at least it’s Kelly’s. I wouldn’t do that anyways.

We ate a good meal and Rachel’s friend ate over. The guy with the guitar. He was cool. We packed up to leave to the train station and it felt so good to have her hold me for a while. Even with her friend right there. We read our goodbyes and she said she was sad to see me go. I told her it would only be a week. Then I can be with her for the whole month! She said that her, Nathalie, and Francois were planning to travel around the U.S. next summer for a whole month so me and Tara hold her to hook us up. Bring ‘em to Wisconsin and show them the shit! Well, pretend.

I called my dad today and told him the schedule with everything, and he said mom put another $800.00 in the other day. How sweet of her! I’ll have to get the family something cool before I go back. I don’t have to starve anymore! He said it’s been 100 degrees every day so far in shit town with 90% humidity. Aw! Things couldn’t be better her, except for the damn train seats. Holy fucking uncomfortable! Oh well, I guess I’ll try and get some Z’s. Ta Ta!

{It’s strange; I can still picture Rachel’s exact facial expressions in reaction to some of these situations, and I think it’s due to having to rely on it as a language in itself as it’s the only way we were really able to communicate.}

10:35pm

Well I’m on the train out of Czech so I finally get to see Rachel in about 15 hours. I’m listening to “Today” so it makes me even more anxious.

Anyways, yesterday we took a tour through a huge fortress/castle and it was really cool, but fucking hot out. We ate at KFC for cheap, and walked around some more. We spent the rest of the night in the apartment playing cards and Tara and Cliff left for the phone so Lisa, Dan and I got them soaked with water from the 5^th floor both times! It was great!

Today we dropped our shit off at the train station and walked around all day. It rained out yesterday but I had a poncho so it was fun. We made a mixed tape at the apartment and it’s fucking awesome! The people here really sucked but the town was just gorgeous. I finally sent out postcards today.

Yesterday the owner of the apartment stopped by and she was really cool. She was an 80 year old German who spoke broken English. Wisconsin is the only state to say “brat” “bubbler” “gut-rot” and “a horse apiece.”

I’m starting to miss home again, but I have the rest of my life to be there, so I can handle it. I miss my friends a lot. Even my parents sometimes, and I never thought I’d say that.

Life on the road is okay, but now I can semi-relate to musicians when they say it gets boring. But I still hope to do this again, especially if it’s with a band. That’s been my only dream for almost 10 years now which is very cool. I’m really going to miss Dan & Lisa in the future because it’s weird how strangers can bond so much when they’re all so far away from anyone they know. But with no school left I guess most of our lives are full of that. It’s so weird to see myself adapting to so many different cultures and taking so much for granted. Like the huge buildings and the constant life in the fast lane. Even the currency feels normal now. Like stocking up on food tonight since we have to go though Germany and won’t get to Anouschka’s until about 5:00pm tomorrow. It’s so weird to think that we’re at a constant mode of alertness because for 2 and a half months nothing can be taken for granted. We almost got arrested the other day for not punching our Metro tickets. Just little shit like that. I’d be sure to travel with a band without a girlfriend because there’s always a little less satisfaction; a little less beauty in everything because you wish you could share the experience with him/her.

God do I wish I could be with her right now, just listening to this fucking awesome song- ‘Mayonaise’ [sic] by Smashing Pumpkins. AAAUUUGGGHHH! I miss so many fucking people! Why did I meet someone who makes me so fucking happy and actually happy to be living in this fucked up, greedy, selfish shithole of a fucked up world of piss but the tear my heart out and give it to her, only to say a constant goodbye too fucking soon. Leave it bleeding in her hands.

There’s always going to be a piece of me gone that only I will notice. I’ll always feel it. Just like the constant tightening in my stomach every time I think of her. “Pick your pockets full of sorrow, and run away with me tomorrow- JUNE.”

2:20pm

Well, we haven’t gotten out of the apartment yet because Tara and Cliff are arguing again. It’s nothing I want to write about because I want to remember mostly good things about this trip. It will make it look like Prague is a bad place when actually it’s just the people I’m with that puts a damper on it.

 The trip looks like it’s coming to a grinding halt sooner than we planned. I don’t think we’ll do anything for sure anymore. The past month was great, but we still have 6 weeks to go which is 3/5 of our time on vacation?! I’m starting to find myself dreaming if Wisconsin as my vacation- at least then I’ll have control of my life again. No more playing sheep. No more surprises. I’ll be able to take things for granted again…Make predictions. Be by my friends which I miss so much. Before I left things were going great and I still wonder how much has changed since I’ve been gone.

Does Floyd still consider me one of his two best friends? Am I still with the band? Does Jeremy S. moss me? Is Bob happy? Has Jay won his game of Tetris? How many of these will be answered yes? I’m hoping all of them. I hope to walk into Frank’s Pizza Palace and find everyone there laughing and joking around picking on Tony and Phish like usual. But time does change, and so do we. It’s like seeing someone for the first time in months and noticing that their hair has grown an inch longer, but to them it hasn’t changed at all because they see it every day. I’d give anything right now to be home eating bean burritos and drinking .63¢ bottomless coffee and hanging out with everybody again. Just shootin’ the shit. Acumba Mattada. Smile Jay- it’s in you somewhere. That kind of happiness doesn’t leave; it just gets covered up sometimes. Like the clouds blocking the summer sun.

“Show me a smile. Don’t be discouraged or worry a lot/ If this world makes you crazy and you’ve taken all you can then you call me up, because you know I’ll be there.” Cyndi Lauper found the best words for me to use. How’s Adam O. doing? The same ol’ son of a bitch I hope. He’s changed me in more ways than one.

12:20am

Today has been great for our time in Prague so far. We woke up at 5:45am to hit the 7:30am train out of Vienna, Austria. We ended up getting fucked over by the trains again so we ended up in Prague around 2:30pm and getting a fantastic apartment room with 3 beds, fridge, stove/oven, shit ,shower, kitchen utensils, etc. It’s fully decked out! We almost got arrested for not punching our subway tickets, but we told the pigs to suck it.

Smokes are 80¢ to $1.00 again so that’s cool, and we bought a shitload of groceries for today and tomorrow for $4.00 each. Spaghetti & cheese fries with Coke! I bought a kick-asss Cure book for Adam but I’m debating on whether I should give it or keep it for myself. It was only $3.00. This place has a stereo and T.V. too! No English, though.

We spent the night playing cards (500 Rummy and Hearts) and throwing pans of water on each other when someone leaves the building. We got Tara and Cliff first, and then Dan & Lisa before. I’m so glad we met these “Cats” because they’re fucking cool people. We’ve been through 4 countries with them, but on Thursday we go our separate ways. Oh well, then it’s a 2 day haul back to Switzerland so I can see RACHEL again for a couple minutes, but it’s worth it!

Tomorrow we wake up to fruit, bread, smokes, a shower, and cold coffee! Fuckin’ great here.

(5^th floor with 2 fucking awesome windowsills. Exchange rate= $1.00 to 26.00 Crowns)

Well, here we are in Vienna, Austria just chillin’. We’re doing a lot more walking on this trip than I thought, but oh well. I figured out that I can spend $20.00 a day from now on if I want to make it, so starting today I only ate one meal: a 6” sub from Subway! I am so dehydrated on this trip!

Well, yesterday we took the 10:30am train to here, but it was 3 hours late so we got here at 4:00pm. We went and saw a ballet last night and it was fucking terrible! But it was free!

Today we went to a Modern Art Museum which was fucking lame, so we went to an amusement park instead. The rides were so much more advanced. Today I found out that Cliff might be going home after Spain due to financial problems, and that Rachel might not be coming to Italy and Greece with us. I should have always doubted it. It’s in my blood. Always the shit luck.

Yesterday we hooked up with a Texan that said “Y’all” a lot. His name was Chris and he was a cool shit (23). Tomorrow we leave for Prague.

Why can’t I just have one good experience with someone, just once in this shit deal they call life?! You tell me it only happens in the movies but why?! I guess there’s always time to sulk. I am so sorry for ever ruining a little part of her life. I’m playing tag- I touched you and now you can’t get me. A real fucking cool move Kel. But here I am- a world away from anything I care about. Everyone’s dream, right! It used to be mine…

(The hostel here had 6 bunks and a sink and shower. The windowsill is fucking great. 3^rd floor.)

Hey there. Today was just another fuck around day so we just walked everywhere in Budapest again. Nothing much. We got doughnuts this morning at Dunkin’ Doughnuts and they fucked up the [rice so we ended up getting 2 coffees and 20 doughnut balls plus 30¢ back, so we got paid 30¢ to eat and drink their food! We also found a flea market with a bunch of dumb shit but I bought an Independent necklace for Tammy and a leather “R” and “K” embroidery on some necklaces. Each $1.00.

We saw a movie for $1.80 but it sucked. It was called “Frameup” by Jon Jost and I fell asleep because it was a “thinking movie” where you had to use your head. I don’t pay for something that requires thought; they should fucking pay me.

The hostel has 5 bunks and a sink and shower downstairs. We have a loft and and awesome windowsill! 2^nd floor.

It’s 1:00am here in Buda (Pest) Hungary. Speaking of which, I am looking right now at a man digging for food in all the garbage cans downstairs. I’m on the third floor hostel room smoking since you can’t in the rooms. Fuck that!

Good score- he found a shitload of cardboard!

Well, today was interesting. Talk about cheap! Rooms are $8.00, but smokes are .77¢, coffee 50¢, and gourmet restaurants for about $5.00. And 25¢ ice cream cones! But we just walked around the town today, of both Buda and Pest. I saw another butt today since it was windy. But we tried to get into a circus about 10-15 miles away so we walked to it. We got only 2 tickets-the last ones for $6.00 apiece. We decided that a movie would be okay so we went outside and asked some people if they spoke English, and they did. They said they were missionaries and that they could get us in for free at 4^th row. It was amazing how lucky we were. It was a great time! They even gave us free bus tickets home.

Afterwards we drank some coffee and I called my mom. Tara suggested that I call or write to Rachel. I’d rather write. I miss her so much. You can tell by the chest and stomach cramps that I get. I’ve only had those for Tara before, but we all know that story too much…

Songs are hitting my heart more than ever now, such as ‘Time After Time,’ ‘Fields of Gold,’ ‘Today,’ ‘I wouldn’t Normally Do This Kind of Thing,’ ’Wish You Were here,’ and ‘Shake the Disease’ to name a few.

It’s so hard to wait for the ‘last dance,’ the beginning of the end. {This is in reference to a Cure song called “Last Dance.”}

(Exchange rate=$1.00 to 100 Forints)

Today is just a little bit different. More walking. We got the train from Salzburg at 9:00am and arrived again in Munich (Munchen) at 11:30am and we went right to the Dachau concentration camp. It was alright, but we watched a film on the documentary and it was hard to watch because we were with Dan & Lisa and they’re both Jewish. The barbed wire and the crematorium ovens were the only things that really hit you. Everything else was painted over, rebuilt, trees were planted and little churches built up almost like they were trying to make it less dramatic. That really bothered me. {I remember us all standing outside of the theater smoking cigarettes in complete silence, and being half-German I felt compelled to apologize to Dan and Lisa. I know it sounds stupid now, but at the time it just felt like the right thing to do.}

So we came back and sent out some stuff like shirts and PB to Cliff’s cousin’s house. We’ve been walking around downtown Munich for a while now but we stopped at this park to rest. It’s the biggest garden park in all of Europe with all different kinds of people in it. There’s ever a little part where about q0 guys walk around in the buff and it’s sad to say but they have big schlongs!

We’re leaving for Budapest, Hungary at 11:00pm tonight, so goodbye Germany! My money and my honey are long gone. {Reference to a ‘Sloppy Seconds’ song}

There’s also butt naked girls here too, about 20 years old.

12:15am

Well it’s the 4^th of July in America right now, while here in Salzburg there ain’t nuttin’ going on. We left at 10:30am for the ice caves after eating a great meal. Fresh buns with marmalade (or meat and cheese) and three cups of good coffee. We met these people this morning named Dan and Lisa, which are brother and sister. We hooked up with them and we had a blast. Same exact points of view, and cool games and conversations. A lot of slang for once.

The ice caves were excellent for $25.00 (260 Dutch Marks). We went 1km into it (6,000ft?) and it still went in 44 more kilometers. One third of it has not even been searched yet.

We ended up coming back to town for dinner and with all the walking we made it back her at 11:00pm. One long day of nothing.

Tomorrow we hit breakfast and board the train to Vienna (Wien) an 8:30am, It’s cool that we’re going with these people because they’re so cool. Dan’s into the semi-punk scene as well so he used to have a Mohawk and the whole nine yards. Se we talk about music a lot. They’re both about 20-22 maybe? I don’t really know or care but happy 4^th of July anyways. I only spent $70.00 here for two days including sleep prices.

I miss Rachel…

Dan told us that it’s dangerous to carry “the stuff” with us through all the countries- especially Turkey which is an automatic imprisonment or sometimes death to be caught with any amounts of a drug, so we’re trying to figure out where to send it home from. Probably Germany tomorrow. It’s in a Peanut Butter jar. {This last part was added to the journal a few weeks later}

{Aside from running through the rain, my favorite memory of Salzburg is waking up one morning and jumping on the bed listening to ‘I Wouldn’t Normally Do this Kind of Thing’ by the Pet Shop Boys while everyone else was in the bathroom. Oh, and their Yellow Pages translation of “Let Your Fingers Do the Walking” was “Lub die Fingers fer Dich Suchen.” I’ll never forget that.}

Hi. Wow. A lot to write! Yesterday ended up being a screw off day except for the marijuana museum. The red light district was nuts! It was just hundreds of strip bars (and fucking), sex shops, pot shops, and lots o’ hookers in red rooms half naked. Whoa.

Yesterday we bought some Northern Lights # 5 glaze which was the ’94 winner. It was so fucking good! Half a joint set us all aflame, seeing as it was the best pot in the world! Literally! We packed up around 8:00pm to catch the train at 9:00pm. It was an 11 hour ride, cold as hell, but comfortable enough to relax in the pullout seat in our little cabin. Barely any sleep we arrived in Munich, Germany at around 8:00am and all the hostiles were booked solid. So we sat around for 3 hours tired and hungry  and I had one of my “trippy” moods.

We met some girls (24+26) who were going to Salzburg, Austria We said “What the hell” and tagged along. Train ride was 2 hours so we just played cards (Gin). Arriving in the station, a guy came up to us as we were walking out to a hostile and us a place for 160 Dutch Marks ($15.00). It sounded okay so we took it up. A van came and picked us up and drove us to this place, which is like a resort/hotel. It’s fucking beautiful! Our own room with a toilet and shower, and an overlook of the mountains and the city. The people are nice, and we walked down to a town store for groceries. It’s fucking cheap here! For example: A $3.50 American Cosmopolitan magazine is .62¢ here! Kick ass!

We got caught in our first rainstorm walking back, but it was fun! I’m enjoying the so much because I know it’s something I’ll remember. Just like being with Rachel; I don’t realize how great it is until I look back at it.

It’s 11:15pm now so we’ll get some good rest! I don’t want to hit Germany again- the people there all suck big dicks! Heartless bastards.

Tara’s planning on 27 days for Italy and Greece now, which is great! Rachel got a job and is working very hard to come along. We talked to Anouschka today and she said Rachel really misses me. I don’t understand why, but that’s ok. It makes me feel really good knowing that it’s not a one-way romance. She’s all I think about. And although one month is not a lot of time, it’s enough to understand her more. To see if a two year gap is possible. I don’t have enough faith in myself to lean on it, because chances are it won’t be as sturdy as it looks.

Time does that sometimes. Too much of it is dangerous enough to burn bridges, but lack of it is potent enough to stop them from ever being built. A lose/lose situation. And in this case I’m caught in both of them; A burning nothing.

I want to be her spaceboy. I want somebody to see my true colors. I don’t want to be afraid to let them show. But I can only fly halfway…

This is a peaceful country.

I miss Jay. The real Jay.

I see your True Colors

And that’s why I love you…

(Exchange rate= $1.50 to $10.00 in schillings)

We bought more hash and another bag of “Northern Lights #5 Haze” to bring back home.

{I never did finish this entry because we ended up smuggling the drugs out of Holland and I was afraid the journal would be used as evidence if we got caught. We used a jar of Peanut Butter (as we were convinced it would mask the scent of the weed) and shipped it to Cliff’s cousin’s house when we got to Germany. When we returned home we discovered that he had found the weed and smoked it all in our absence.}

(Written as 6/1/95 for which I’m certain drugs were to blame. =) )

Today is the first of July. I don’t know why I wrote that. It’s been a great time here so far. Yesterday we went out at around 11:30pm and smoked some more and hung out at Bob’s until 2:00am. Tried to get a hold of my mom but I got Erin- she was feelin’ like me.

Today we woke up and had a good breakfast for once on a long fucking time- Scrambled eggs and toast & jam. Then we rode the bus and walked around for a while. Ended up at the brewery for Heineken around 2:00pm and it was the best! Everyone was sloshed and it had awesome screen shows. Wow. {I fondly recall everyone singing drunkenly to a remake of a song called “Who the F@ck is Alice?” by a band called Gompie.}

I was smashed so we went to the Anne Frank Museum. Wow was that cool! I was in the actual hiding place! It’s so cool because everything is nice and close together so you don’t have to walk for miles. We came back and ate a good meal at 7:00pm for 5 Gilders and smoked some more. I learned how to play backgammon today so that’s cool. I’m so high off the Afghanistan hash!

Tonight we check out the Dali museum, which is the most amazing artist I’ve ever seen, but we leave tomorrow night. I know this sounds rude, but I enjoy passing the days away because soon I get to hold Rachel again and I heard that Italy is the best place to be with a loved one (or a liked one). So I enjoy the days I have but look forward to complete ones.

I love hash-mmmmmm…and spacecakes tomorrow!