No more bonjour!

I’m finally in Holland (Amsterdam) and I’m fucked! It’s 5 after 6 and I haven’t eaten since we arrived here at 8:00am.

To fill you in, on the 27^th we just walked around trying to find something interesting. The Catacombs were closed and so was the circular movie place so we went to a parc on the Champs Elysees until 11:30pm and then we just walked around downtown. It was fuckin’ rad, though! {I do recall loving that park. It had this beautiful art piece consisting of tall, thin poles which had multi-colored flashing lights on them. I always wished I would have taken a picture of it, but there are many things I wish I would have taken pictures of on this trip.}

The 28^th I don’t remember right now, and yesterday we went to Euro-Disney. It was so cool! We hit Space Mountain and one of those 3D movies and more! We got on the train last night at 11:25pm and I hung out with a kid from Paris and some guys came through to look for drugs. Scary shit!

Today we walked around to all the pot shops and sex shops. We even went to the sex museum and it had everything! Pictures with animals, piercings, masturbation…. It’s so weird to see so much paraphernalia, plants in stores, just everything! Cliff and I bought some Arabic hashish and it’s fuckin’ good! I’m jacked! This town is in a big rush to get somewhere, and ladies are fighting with fists. A guy pushed me out of the bike path and swore at me. Dick.

Bikes are everywhere here. Too many. They have the right of way so you have to watch out for them more than cars. I’m trying to save money here but the bowls and seeds are calling my name!

I hate the Dutch language here. It sounds stupid!

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I had Jay and Rachel on my mind. God do I miss both of them.

My fucking pen is dead! Chances are I’ll see Rachel in Italy and Greece with us- three full weeks with the woman of my dreams! I’m feeling like myself again here. I can put my piercings back in and not get discriminated against for it at all. Way cool! I haven’t taken a shower in weeks so that’s way cool too! Feelin’ like a pig again is way cool! I love King Missile! I mean like!

I remember the 28^th now! Too much dope. On the 28^th we all went to Le Louvre where the Mona Lisa is. Cliff and Tara gout in a big fight and Cliff wanted to go home. They broke up and we went up to the café to talk- just the three of us. Tara was crying and it hurt me a lot because it was the first time I had ever seen her cry. I was mad at Cliff because now Anousch and Tara had both been made statistics by men,, and here I am knowing that I had a dick so therefore I was an asshole. Some people ruin it for all of us. But we ended up going out to eat at an Italian restaurant for pizza et spaghetti and then we went back to the hostel and they patched things up since Cliff had waited there for us (her).

That’s all for now!

We’re staying at Bob’s youth Hostel in a room for 16 people. 3^rd floor again, but not a good window. The place is popular- they even sell t-shirts. Everyone just smokes dope in the cafeteria all day with a lot of Techno music.

{My favorite memory of Amsterdam is smoking a joint in the middle of the street and suddenly realizing I was all alone. Tara and Cliff had stopped to look at rings in a store window and I didn’t notice. I saw two policemen walking toward me and I completely freaked out, hiding the joint behind me so they wouldn’t see it. I was convinced I would be arrested and then it occurred to me that it was perfectly okay to be in possession of it, so I raised it up high and waved to the officers in blissful delight. The officers must have thought “Oh great, another stupid American.” Lol.}

Wow. It’s crazy here! It’s 1:05pm and we’re sitting in a park again somewhere in Paris?! We just got done walking through the cemetery (Pere Lachaise) where dumbshit Morrison was buried, as well as Moliere et Chopin and millions of other people. Jim was written everywhere so I wrote a nice poem to him: Jim- you music is a fucking crock, I’ll be no part of your mislead flock. Signed, AP {This stood for “Antipunks” which was the band name of a few friends and I at the time. I remember writing this on the bathroom wall while everyone else waited outside for me and I was so proud of it. I also recall drinking a ton of water before we arrived at the cemetery because I wanted to have a picture of me urinating on Morrison’s grave, but when we arrived there were two guards standing near his tombstone. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the time trying to find a restroom and this is where I defaced the wall.}

Yesterday was nuts- we got up at 8:00am, ate some bread, and left for Notre Dame. After walking through that we went to the Tour Eiffel and climbed 721 stairs for 12 Francs. The third floor was closed but oh well. Then we went and got lunch and walked back to a parc to relax, drink and smoke. Afterwards we walked down to the Champs Elysees to L’Arc de Triomphe for a while and then walked down the whole Champs Elysees! We saw so many cool statues and fountains and got a chance to go to Virgin Records and all kinds of stuff. By the time we were done walking and eating at MacDonald’s it was about 10:00pm so we went home to the hostile.

Cliff et I drank a 10-pack of bottles in the lounge so I was BUZZIN’! We met a shitload of Americans so it was cool to talk slang again. It was the first times in two weeks! We went to bed around 2:00am after saying goodnight to a California girl who had her tongue pierced too!

I don’t know what we’re doing today except for more dead bodies and the Hard Rock Café, but who cares- it’s not America!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. (Well, I did.) I told Anouschka about what her mom said to Rachel about us and Anouschka said that her mom really likes me, but was mad at Rachel because she wasn’t studying for her exams; too much time with me.

Well, it’s about 10:00am and we’re on the train to Paris. It’s going about 125kph so I hope a deer doesn’t decide to jump on the tracks and take us all down with him because of the stupid family problems he was having. I would not be happy. I’d be worse than happy- I’d be dead.

Well, yesterday I finally got to see Rachel again. We started “reading” around 5:00pm but her mom threw the door open and started bitching at Rachel. She came back and said “My mom doesn’t want me to see you, but I told her “no” because I like being with you.” I love that! But I did a lot of apologizing, because it takes two to tango.

Later on we went out drinking with Rachel and Nathalie and came back home to a whole night to ourselves! We layed [sic] et kissed until about 5:45am and listened to Smashing Pumpkins about 4 times. Then we made sandwiches and here we are!

It’s 9:50pm now and Cliff et moi just got back from a walk and I’m a little drunk yet again. It’s fucking rad here! We’re in a hostile room on the third floor and just outside there’s a big neighborhood party so they’re playing loud music; Right now the Police are on (Every Breath You Take) and it sounds live.

The people here are weird and always trying to get money or cigarettes off of you, and it’s very dirty and it smells like piss everywhere. But at least it’s cheaper than Switzerland! We got the full 4 day Paris agenda down, and then it’s off to Amsterdam! (Spacecakes)

But there’s a slight flaw in all of this- we’re going to meet Anouschka in Germany right after Holland, which means no Rachel. I’m not saying that it will take away any of the fun, but it’s hard for me to accept the fact that I might only have 3 more nights with her before I go back to the $tate$ again.

There’s a possibility she might come along to Italy and Greece with us, but I’m too used to disappointment to keep my hopes up.

Last night was easily the best night yet, seeing as I have sores all around the insides of my lips from kissing with so much meaning. I know this might sound really stupid, but I don’t care; I want to spend the rest of my life with her, whether she comes to the states or I go to Switzerland. I’m willing to give up my citizenship for her. But I know it won’t happen- two years is too long to make her wait, so only one of us would be happy.

It was so fucking cool- they have armpit hair here!!! I love it soooooo much!

The hostile here is alright; A room to ourselves with 4 bunks and a sink. 3^rd floor but not a good window.

Yeah- this is pretty fucking cool. I’m fucking sick of Nathalie’s.  Not the people, but the atmosphere. Everyone wonders why I think of Rachel so fucking much but then I get thrown around downtown and at Nathalie’s for 3 or 4 days at a time so I never get to fucking see her. I fucking hate this.

Yesterday we went to downtown Lausanne again and stupid shit- we took a paddleboat out on Lake Geneva (here they call it Lake Leman) for an hour and then came back to Nathalie’s of fucking course,

Then last night we went to a graduation party on the beach. At first it was entertaining- I got to smoke some hash and drank a lot of beer. The plan was to sleep at Anouschka’s so I was cool, but then they decided “Hey! Here’s a new idea: Let’s sleep at Nathalie’s!” Fuckers.

So I took a walk on the beach and sat and watched hundreds of people have fun and skinny-dippers entertaining themselves. When I walked back everyone was pissed and wondering where I went- like they really fucking cared.

I feel like I’m their little puppy- no mind of my own.

Fuck me! Fuck this Fuck everyone Fuck my mind Fuck my opinions Fuck my ideas Fuck my dreams Fuck everything about me No mind of my own I’m just a fucking sheep Please let me cling to you!

This was my life. This was my life. This was my life. This was my life. I’m not like them but I can pretend.

I wish I was like you

Easily amused…

Find my nest of salt

Everything is my fault…

I’ll take all the blame

Aqua sea foam shame

Sunburn with freezer burn

Choking on the ashes of her enemies…

Gee- guess what we’re doing tonight?! We get to stay at Nathalie’s again! We get to sit here at her fun apartment until 8:00pm so she can come home and be with us. Isn’t that great?! I’m cumming in my pants just thinking about all the fun things we’ll do tonight. Let’s see, we can’t watch T.V. because it’s all in French, we can’t listen to music or fucking breathe the wrong way or the neighbors will complain about all the cool noise! What a lucky life I have. And for food we have more bread,, as if I’m not constipated enough from all the other stale bread I get to eat. And I love not being able to Rachel for four days at a time! Instead, I get to watch Cliff and Tara groom the shit out of each other and listen to them make fun of me for thinking about Rachel too much. You must really envy me, because my life is so fucking cool!

Today is the greatest day I’ve ever known.

It’s 12:25am now and we sat here at Nat’s house all day. We went to the Greek guy’s house (Christof) and drank a few beers. Yum! We could have gone to the laser light show party outside but everyone was under 12 or over 40. No thank you.

Tomorrow I get to see Rachel  final-fucking-ly! Anouschka’s getting sick of me talking about her but I don’t care. I miss her sooooooo much. Tomorrow is the last time I will be able to see her for a while so I better make the best of it. I’m so in like with her…

PS. Tara burned a hole in the bathtub here with incense but what do you expect leaving three air-headed Americans alone in an apartment for a full day? I’m surprised the walls are still standing!

“I am feeling really stupid now.” (Chuckle)

By the way, we almost got arrested for shoplifting at the store today. I had to empty everything out of my sack to prove it wasn’t us (me et Cliff).



This is the Jet d’Eau (“water-jet”), which is a fountain rising 140 meters (459 feet) from Lake Geneva



Anoushka enjoying the paddleboat ride on Lake Geneva (AKA "Lake Leman")

Bonsoir!

I have to fill you in about yesterday. At around 5:00pm I was on the bed listening to Smashing Pumpkins with Rachel. Cliff was on the floor reading some train brochure and I motioned him with my eyes to leave. We listened to “Today” over and over, and halfway through it I just leaned over and kissed her. I could tell she was surprised but I wouldn’t stop. No way. We kissed until song 4 was done and then she asked if we could play “Today” once more (in French, of course). We held each other through the song and then I had to go out to Anouschka’s grandparents’ house for dinner. I said goodbye and kissed her again before I left and she said she’d wait up for me possibly.

So we went to her grandparents’ house and had some beers, ate, and sat and talked . Well, they talked for over an hour so I was pissed. Finally, we left and they dropped me off first since it was almost 11:00pm. I walked in and waited for about 10 minutes and then figured she was asleep so I went to Anouschka’s room and listened to ‘Time After Time’ for about an hour. Everyone came home and I called home for the first time in at least a week but nothing was new.

I saw some pictures of the Frank’s gang from last year and it made me so sad. It was so happy back then, and everyone got along and knew who they were. But now everyone has changed so damn much…

I stayed up late last night by myself and wrote. I miss Jay and Floyd. The real ones.

Today I woke up at noon and washed my hair again. Rachel came home at about 1:00pm and we started listening to music.  We kissed a lot and even though I can’t talk to her I somehow knew that I had better make it the best, and that she was thinking the same thing.

Well, three hours passed and I loved every minute of it, but then everyone came home from a bike ride and Christine came over so we sat and talked for a while. I found out Rachel was up until 11:15pm but c’est pas grave (it’s no big deal). We came to Nathalie’s and ate and talked and now I just can’t wait until tomorrow.

Oh yeah, Rachel might be going to Italy and Greece with us. C’est cool Raoule!

I likeove [sic] her so much. Aujourd hui est la plus grand jouer… (“Today is the greatest day”)

I just wish I was able to see her more…

It’s 10:50pm and I’m sitting in Anouschka’s window again. I fucking love that windowsill.

Did you ever hear a song that you wished would never end? Or maybe it was the situation you were in that you hoped would last forever. But in the back of your mind you knew that unfortunately all things come to an end. Yet in those few minutes you somehow manage to forget all about it. It doesn’t happen often, this I know. But that just makes it all the more precious I guess. Time After Time.

Why is it, that as short as life is, we can’t all find happiness? Sure, some of us have more beauty, more money, more masks… But does that make it right? I’m not saying that I deserve it any more than the next person, but why should I drown in the sorrows because of something I have no control over?

Whoever said “Life is what you make of it” is only right in his own eyes. Life isn’t completely what I make of it- it’s what society makes of me. It’s what society thinks of me. I must have been sleeping the day that the masks were handed out because I never got one. I never wanted one. So now it’s my fault that I am who I am and not who, or what, they want me to be.

I’ll be the first one to plead guilty.


This is Anouschka's windowsill. You could see into
Rachel's room from her skylight and we used to
joke about Rachel waking up and finding me lying nude
on her skylight.



This is the view from her window.

Playing in a fountain in downtown Geneve.

It’s 4:45pm and its fucking hot! About 80-90 degrees out and we just got back from Lausanne. Tara lost her I.D. wallet at the cinema last night so we had to find it. The movie was called “Shallow Grave” and it was dumb-$15.00 to get in.

Sorry about last night- it was one of my moods. Now it’s 12:00am and today we went downtown for a long time et I got 135 Francs and spent it all. I bought a cool t-shirt and the rest went to Anouschka’s mom. We came home and Tara, Cliff et Anouschka suntanned while I listened to music avec Rachel (I’m a little drunk).

Tara and Cliff ended up with us while Anouschka went to Christine’s. Rahel read my journal again so I guess she knows how I feel about her. We ate dinner here and talked about stupid things afterwards. Then we went to Christine’s house (I didn’t mind- Rachel went to bed) and drank and talked about movies n’ stuff. Now we’re at Anouschka’s and going to sleep because we’re going to school with her demain. Anouschka said that “she” feels the same way. I’ll try tomorrow…I NEVER STOP THINKING ABOUT HER! It’s driving me nuts! But at least I know how she feels. Je pense d’elle toujours (I’m always thinking about her). That probably isn’t right, but at least I try…